And we're back...

Hi everyone it has been a long month since writing but I am back and will try to keep this blog more updated. Let's see what has happened:

1) I finally got my corneal transplant in my left eye on Aug 17th. Right now I am recovering. It's going to be a long process but one that I am so glad I got accomplished. I have to travel back to MIA next month to take out the sutures and continue taking eye drops until early next year.

2) While in MIA i had some epiphanies and so decided to try and make my life as comfortable as possible and not to worry about too much...it's a work in progress.

3) I officially resigned from the Saba Cultural Foundation on Sept 1. I just needed some time for myself and really didn't want to do carnival for a 3rd yr in a row I am sure there will be willing hands to assist.

4) Whitney, Whitney, Whitney...she is also back and I just love her cd. OF course Ms MC (Mariah Carey) will return with hers in late September and I am looking forward to that and all the great fall music that seems tobe coming out this year.

5) I got to see GI Joe and Inglorious Basterds both entertaining. I read in Entertainment Weekly the fall schedule of movies and let's just say I am so made Saba has no theater. Def one to watch for in the Oscar race is PRECIOUS with comedianne Mo'nique hope she gets nominated.

6) Work is very hectic lately and well I am losing a dear co worker but life goes on and I trying to see if I can go in another direction. I remain hopeful.

7) Tomorrow night my friend Paul invited me over to his and hi bf's place for a drink so I am looking forward to that and of course maybe some karaoke.

8) Finally in the pics you see I have a new look I am trying something different we will see how long that lasts lol

Here's looking at you kids thanks for reading.

Update on Life

It seems my last post was on July 20th and of course that was because the carnival festivities on our island had me tied down, being on the planning committee and all, that there was no time to post anything or hell I was just too damn tired to. The festivities were fun my blue costume worked well for me as I was skeptical blue was not my color. The group I was in won first place and everyone had fun. I of course had too much fun on the Saturday and got so shit faced my mom and two friends had to take me home but I digress fun was had by all. Then bright and early on Monday morning after the events I went to Miami to meet with the doctor who will be doing my corneal transplant on Aug 17th. That went well but it was scary at the same time because of the realization that it's almost here. I decided I needed to get my mind of it and the busy life of Saba and go to a movie so I saw Harry Potter which was great. I got back to Saba on the Wed and have been busy with work and will be until Aug 12 when I leave for the surgery. I have to do pre ops on the 14th. Speaking of work it just plain sucks like and I am trapped in it. I have a co worker leaving, two teachers leaving, (one coming in) and I am starting to feel the strain no matter how you look at it. I don't know how persons who work in social service can do their job I am tired of it and this is not what I signed on for in life. Right now I feel there are no real avenues for me to pursue and therefore Saba is home for now. I am trying not to be too depressed and really don't talk much to people about anything anymore because its the same song about what's put out there will come to you, hangin there blah blah bullshit. I am tired of my students and just feel I have wasted two years of my life even though there are small successes I have always given given given of myself and I am tired of it. I am 27 years old single, a workaohlic and living on a 5 square mile rock, yes I know by choice, but also because maybe I am just a frighetened kitten. Yeah I could have done more with my life and I have regrets but just have to live with that. Its Saturday and I should be at the gym but I dont even care about that anymore. My cistern is low and I have to find water to fill it since we have had a dry season money money money thats all I do and spend on never really myself just shit that happens to me. I hope everyone is doing a lot better than I am because internally I am slowly dying.

The Windy City

So the weather has been crazy windy and rainy which I don't mind. I much rather it now then next week for carnival ehehe. Speaking of carnival we have one more week to go before the festivities start. Last night was kind of boring so I popped in a Michael Jackson Live in Bucharest DVD that I got and let's just say I was totally reliving my childhood. I always remembered growing up I wanted to sing and dance. I know I couldn't be like Michael but I wanted to reach people through music and connect the way he did. It was awesome. I have also have a Rihanna concert I plan on watching later this week. I have one and a half week left to get my body in a shape to be revealed with the costume that is coming in this week lol so I am hoping for the best. My students did their mock GED exam today I am hoping they did well fingers crossed I won't know until Friday. Have a great week everyone!

String of Bad Luck

Well it seems like I am hitting a string of bad luck. 1) Just found out I didn't win in the US Visa Diversity Program (Lottery) this year, again, for the 5th year in a row I am the Susan Lucci of getting a green card though I can't wait 19 years for a win. 2) The DELL team from St. Maarten called to say that the mother board on mye DELL XPS M2010 is basically, pardon the language, fucked. Oh but it gets better. (backstory) There was an issue with DELL and myself last year where I was having this system built online. Well it was taking weeks and weeks cause of missing parts etc and no one could give me updates so I was like screw that and cancelled the order. ! week later the laptop is in my mail at ICS which means they would had to have shipped it two weeks prior. So I said you know what I am always the nice guy and honest but DELL put me through hell so fuck this I am not calling them about it. I mean it had my name on it but it also had another person as well so who knows what the hell happened. Of course now that the mother board needs replacing the rep in St. Maarten cannot get it from DELL USA because the service tag is not in their system and whyyyyy because they basically sent me a free computer. Lesson boys and girls sometimes honesty really is the best policy so unless I can get this fixed I basically have a worthless $3000.00 computer which I didnt pay for and still cant use I guess its a win/loss situtation. Other than that I have been busy carnival is going well so far everything is mostly in place can't wait to see my costume. These past nights have been rough and I finally got some me time so I sat and watched Pedro which is based on Pedro Zamora who was a gay hiv positive 21yr old who appeared on the very first season of the Real World for MTV but then died on the night the last espisode appeared. I suggest you wiki him he was such an activist and a great spirit. The movie brought me to tears bawling it was humanistcally done. Last night went to a private reading of Tom Judson's Canned Ham one man show and it was really really good. Tom's performance was funny, witty, well written and a tear jerker in other words a two thumbs up dramedy. Tomorrow will be a tough day in the office and I will post that tomorrow or over the weekend because I can't reveal it now. Friday is our foundation's dinner and I am looking forward to that at Tropics. At least 23 or so persons who have worked along with us helping and volunteering will be honored with a free dinner and we wills ay goodbye to a great guy Len who is one of my teacher's assisting students with their GED lessons. Anyway I am going to sit and eat some ice cream and just reflect on Pedro and my own life and hit the sack after. Hopefully the string of bad luck will take a turn until then good night and good luck

Leave This Town

Got up at like 5:30 this morning and hit the gym for 6:30 because my cousin asked me to weewhack her yard which I did after the gym till around 9. Got home ironed my clothes for this week and then it was time to relax...that means working on carnival stuff lol this week we release minature size posters so cut them all out in order to cost efficient as we are running a tight budget. Thennnn I have been waiting to get my hands on a copy of Chris Daughtry and his band Daughtry's new album entitle Leave This Town and let me know he does not disappoint he voice is stronger than ever this being his sophomore album. Get your copy trust me you won't be disappointed...some tracks should def be on repeat mode. We got some much needed rain last and throughout today and hopefully we wont have it the week of carnival so better than it all comes now and makes the island look lush for the events ehehe. Well my Yankee candle is almost burnt out along with my body lol so I am just gonna chill and watch Indiana Jones Kate Capshaw makes me freaking laugh I wish t hey would have brought her back for Crystal Skull but alas! Enjoy the rest of the weekend tomorrow is the gym and hopefully some tanning.

Being...

This week has been full of all the makings of a spanish novella. It has been hectic conisderiing Saba's Summer Festival is just 17 days away from opening night and we still have quite a few things to take care of like money lol but for the most part everything is in place and it should be a great event. I am not sure I want to do the 35th Anniversary next its so time consuming and it's like having a second job even though I love being the PR person and secretary it does take it's toll when you combine it with your regular job. I am mostly looking forward to the parades and my costume that's where Ijust let loose and have a great time. This weekend I want to start to work on my tan and def hit the gym.

Also this week was MJ's Memorial and what a ceremon fit for a King. I think I would like my memorial done that way but on a smaller scale of course lol and Celine Dion would have to sing at mine as well as Mariah and Whitney. (I would discuss the incompetence of the Saba Cable TV but I rather not use my fingers for that I vented enough on facebook) but between CNN and youtube I managed to see the whole ceremony and even found a site that I got the musical tributes downloaded from.

I am so glad tomorrow is Friday wish I didn't have to work I am up right now working on an article for the local paper and cutting miniture festvial programs as we are trying to cut costs all in the name fun I tell you lol so before I get a paper cut good night and good luck ha when I saw that movies I loved that line so I think I will use each time I write on here...Good Night and Good Luck :-)

Writer's Block

So we finally got some much needed rain today. I stayed home for the most part and its a good thing because I got a tummy ache which is doing a little better now. Thought there was a new episode of True Blood tonight but that turned out to be a bust so Im watching reruns of 227 on dvd. Marla Gibbs was so hilarious I love her. Was trying to do some writing today as well getting back into the habit of writing what would be songs. It sucks that I can't read music or play an instrument I guess that woul dhelp the process a lot. But then I found out the Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie could read or write music either and they came up with We are the World so I am hoping all is not lost. At this moment I am having writer's block so I just put the pen and paper done for the night. I decided only to work 1/2 day on Tuesday as I wanna see the MJ Memorial on CNN. I have my white t shirt, blck pantsm, white socks and black shoes ready although no glove or hat its just my way of paying homage to this great man. There are only 3 weeks left before carnival and my schedule will become even more hectic but I am hoping to get some gym time in and running as the costumes for the group should be in soon. Hope everyone had a nice day and weekend.

Happy 4th

Well Happy 4th of July everyone. Although I am not an American...yet...I can still celebrate so I wore a cool shirt I found at Old Navy when I was in Florida just to show my patriotism. Last night I headed out to Saba Groove just to hang out but after 20mins I didn't see anyone to chill with and the smoke from the cigarettes and grill were bothering my eyes so I just came home drank the rest of the Chardonnay I had started earlier in the evening put on some Designing Women and fell asleep. Today I had to sing our national anthem and for the first time when our flag was being raised I felt a tear in my eye and realized I am still proud to be a Saban even though I wish I could obtain citizenship in the USA. These two place, Saba and the US are just so close to my heart. I wanted to go tanning but its really too hot so I will probably do that later plus I don't feel so well so I am throw on the AC and head to bed for a bit. This past week has been so draining that I just need to rest because with carnival preparations coming up I will need some energy. I am gonna miss my friend's Tom BBQ today but I hope he understands at least we have the Rijs Tafel that we are doing on Tuesday so I will be lookinf forward to that there's suppose to be a full moon. Happy fourth of July everyone and enjoy the fireworks for me.

A different view

I found out today that my corneal transplant will be August 17th now that the date is there seeems exciting and scary at the same time check the disorder in the pics known as keratoconus. This week has gone by too fast and I cannot believe its Thursday tomorrow and basicaly one month before carnival. It's been such a headache this year and I was saying to myself don't do it next year but watch it be my luck that I do because I genuinely enjoy it except for the occassional jerk. Tonight I went to Chris's brithday party that was fun. Everyone chipped in to help contribute to his birthday gift was was a cute moped and then he was dressed up like Batman's side kick Robin that was cool. I am looking forward to the wine tasting and dinner tomorrow as the theme is Chilean. Friday I plan to go to the American/Canadian festivities at Saba Groove, so that means skipping karaoke hehe, then Saturday I have to Emcee Curacao Day and I just got invited to a BBQ and on Sunday I got invited to little Kayla's birthday party at Sonya's. I hope I can find time to sleep bectween all these events, carnival and my regular job. Been trying to keep my fitness going and of course seeing cute guys helps motivate that like while running to Well's Bay road and seeing the boys coming back from swimming shirtless puts a smile on my face lol Hope anyone who i sreading this is having a great night and looking forward to the weekend. Cheers!!!

End of another week

So Thursday night we learned that Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett passed away. I can remember when on a Saturday monirng when I saw the Beat It video I knew that I had be a singer or at least try to be. Like myself Michael inspired a lot of people and was just plain gifted. My thoughts and prayers are with his family. So I went to see History of the World Part 1 and had a Presidente in honor of Michael. In addition, Farrah suffered a lot with Cancer and I know what that is like since most of family members have died of this terrible disease. May both rest in peace

Friday was a bust day. The power went off from 8 -2 so I left the office early and came home to do house chores which would leave my weekend free. Went out to dinner last night with Tom and Evans that was nice but somehow I didn't feel the karaoke (only sang one song Heal the World just for Michael Jackson) vibe, something was off, so we came home early only to find that the battery in my Dell XPS 2010 has been shot or at least I am thinking that's what the problem is so last night was very depressing. Its gonna cost $165.00 from DELL go figure.

Today I got up and watched a cool movie called Crossing Over about US immigration I would highly recommend it. Then I went to the gym and there was a hot guy there working out without his shirt I had to contain myself and concentrate even though it was "hard" pun intended to do lol. Now we will see how the weekend will flow I was kinda hoping to get lucky this weekend but I don't think that is gonna happen. Someone also wanted to me to consider buying a house so that got me thinking a lot about my future and what I really could do and it sucksssss!!! Could go for some Chinese food right now! Anyway hope everyone is having a nice dayits freaking hot out there. Happy Saturday

Another week

Well this week is just as hectic as last week but of course it gonna get worse with carnival one week away. Yesterday I helped Zuelyka with the sign that will go above the stage in the village it looks good but its not complete as yet. Tomorrow we will have a long summer festival meeting. Theres a lot of stuff going on in the next few days some events that I will be going too so I will be looking forward to that. On another front I kinda of got disappointing news I can't get my cornea transplant until September now because the doctor will be on vacation in August and the only other time would be July 30 which is carnival and I am sooooooo not missing that after all the hard work I have put in. Anyway I am watching NCIS then gonna figure out to do something. eheh

Finally Friday

It's Friday again here on the rock and for a third weekend in a row it has not been an enjoyable one from my tooth to now two funerals. This week was also the week from hell with problems and at work and finalizing things for carnival. At least the carnival part is done the tcikets are booked for two bands from St. Maarten, 2 DJ's from St. Maarten and 2 technicians from Saba...tahnk God for a Winair discount promotion that started today. This means that everything is pretty much falling into place for carnival thank God. We also have cleaned up on every hotel room left on the island...so if your looking for a room you might have to set up a tent during the weekend of carnival lol I decided to stay in tonight cause I have a touch of the flu and getting over it and it sucks cause I have to sing tomorrow, and 2 songs, hopefully I can get through that its gonna be a tough time for that particular funeral because the family is so big. I hope they make it through. I myself have just myself numb. After my grandmother died and my uncle and grandfather and 2 other uncles that can take a told on anyone. So to get over all this I bought a ticket for a children's play on Saturday night. It should be cute. I also went out on Thursday night and saw blazzing saddles with Tom, who is here visiting the island for 3 months. He is so cool and its even cooler cuase he likes movies and the theater so its good to relate to someone. Well I better get back to watching Maude trying to get through the first season, its hard cause I only see Bea Arthur as Dorothy lol Night!

And Now My Lifesong Sings

So this week has been very strange. On Sunday There was a small bird that came inito my house and I got scared not because I fear birds but because these yellow breasted ones usually bring bad news in the form of death. Now I don't believe in superstitions but this was just too weird. The week before Suggie passed on, actually the Sunday before he died, the same bird flew into my house. I was like omg someone is gonna die but of course put out of my mind until it happened. Yesterday I went to my neighbor's house and she said you know I had this bird come in my house today, I said uh oh, and we joked about the old wives tale because again this past Sunday another bird flew in. This morning I learned at 7am that Ms. Grace Hassell, Wilma's mom, had passed on. Of course you can deduce that Wilma was the neighbor. It waas very sad. I went and visited Wilma at the old age home and Ms. Grace lay peacefully in her bed as if she was taking a long nap. It was very sad especially for a duaghter who had just rcently moved to FL. So the funeral is on Saturday and I have been asked by my friend Carol who is one o fthe grand daughters to sing a song. I have never heard this song but its really beautiful so I will try my best. I really came to dislike funerals seeing that I have already lost so many people in my family but I want to be there for Wilma and her family they are special people and we have known each other for years, hell she was the first one to take me out to a bar at age 13 :-) totally legal here in Saba...Tomorrow I have a meeting with a donor for this proposal of Adult Continuing Education on Saba and hopefully it goes ok I am a bit nervous about but it should be fine. The students are keeping me on my twos this week and there is never a dull moment. Tonight I said goodbye to a new friend who goes back and forth having a house here and in CA. he is coolbeans. I will listen to the song for the funeral a few more times before bed but the title which is the same of this blog post mkaes me think a lot about my life the people who are in it and those who have left it and thats what I will be thinking on when I sing this. My throat has been feling like the flu might be coming on but will battle that!

xoxox

To Be Human

As humans we must be the more frail of species. We are born, we live and then we die. During that time we are given the chance to experience a lot of things. I think the profound of these is to be loved. There is something about a stare, a smile, the funny way someone may twirl their hair whatever the reason the more prevelant of all of these is the human touch. It is powerful! When you are scared, happy, sad or just having a bad day when another human being wraps their arms around you and feel that kindered spirit of the other you are now safe, secure and nothing else around you matters because you know in the end everything will be ok for that one moment. I miss that very much. I can say I have only truly been in love one time though proclamining whenever I wanted doesn't seem fair now but that's how you learn and as I get older I realize more and more what I want and who I want or wish I could be with. Enough of my silly philosophy just kind of in a down mood at the moment...Last night I had pizza with a new friend and went to karaoke but didn't stay long. Today I was back in the gym after being out for two weeks. I went to Shuggie's funeral and watched two movies. It's about 6pm and I am listening to the closing score from Braveheart and its touching sums up my mood for today. So to be human or not to be human. Well to be of course to be, why would one want to be numb, to feel, to hurt, to cry, to laugh, and yes even to love no matter how brief it may be is the greatest miracle of all...I long for that just one more time....just his touch whoever he may one day be. Good night

Sinking

Just got back from Tropics and a nice dinner and a movie with my co worker. The stars are out and sky is sparkling so now I am home listening to the Titanic soundtrack you know what that means...somewhat of a depression thing going on. I was thinking today I have to be brave and encourage my students and always remind them to have a goal and be strong and I am not listening to the same advice. I guess its hard for me because I have never really centered my life on something. Growing up all I knew were movies and music and sometimes when I sit at my desk I can hear applause in the back of my mind or see myself delivering a monologue that required the Oscar. I have not given up on that dream and I guess in a way I want that because it would help me escape. Escape to being whoever I wanted and doing what ever I wanted. When I think of those lives on the Titanic or any disaster how life can be just snatched from you and in the end what are you really remembered for? Hmmm I guess I am pondering my existence and what when my ship will come in for now I will just stay afloat and hold on until there is a sign of hope!

Wicked Wednesday

So today started off on a bad note as Saba lost a very nice gentleman by the name of "Suggy". He died of a heart attack and well just puts into perspective that anything can happen at any time in life whether you are ready to leave it or not. In the morning I got cheered up when my Designing Women Season 1 DVD box set came can't wait to start watching (Season 2 is already in my Amazon wish list lol) which will be tonight lol In the afternoon I volunteered with the Aids Support Group Saba and that was fun I mean who doesn't like talking about sex...well Sabans I guess because not a lot of people came but we made the best of it. As I was walking to catch a ride I made a choice about something I was gonna do on Saturday night and while it is so tempting and would be enjoyable I just realize that I am not that person anymore and I need some more stability in my life. For the first time today my teeth extraction feels a lot better even though there is a throb now and then. I am hungry, tired, and need a shower lol Thursday is almost here and Friday is right after and can't wait for pizza and nice conversation with an interesting person I just met. He's so sweet. See ya!

Tuesday Times

So last night I ended talking to a really nice guy for about 3 hours online and I might get into some trouble with him lol. Also last night was the Season Premiere of THE CLOSER and of course Kyra did not disappointment with the twist in the end. Yesterday also carnival started coming together more with th ebands we want to use. Not sure what today will bring but I am anxiously awaiting my Designing Women Season 1 Box set along with Maude hopefully the arrive tonight via ICS. Anyway time to get back to work!

Nice evening

So the art show from my students went on without a hitch. Good turn out and the students were very pleased. As I looked at their faces I realized that my job really does change lives and I am making a difference even though at times I get frustrated. Also saw my buddy Ali and watched Will and Grace then we had some coffee now I am watching the Tony Awards and once again this year imagining myself on that stage maybe one day that dream will come true for me. Tomorrow its back to work and another long week but I am gonna hope its a gonna be a nice week and just imagining myself in a better place one where I have always dreamed of staying. Good night from Saba as the moon hides behind clouds over the ocean.

Alone Tonight

So I cleaned, folded, ironed and washed up dishes like a good single Cinderfella and then I basically had nothing to do all day which I guess was good because I wasn't in the mood for anything anyway. I watch High School Musical 3 (hate, love Zac Efron because hes beautiful), The Watchmen and Fired Up(the dark haired guy is way cute and def Sean Cody material lol). Tonight not sure what I will do! I should be at Bingo but I don't think hacking up blood at a table would be cute or tasteful :-). It's time like these that I miss my ex, Shamit, I don't think I have ever been in love since him we were a perfect match except for some that led me to break up with him. He calls me every though and we have remained the best of friends since 2005 I even visited last year in Ohio and now he's a resident doctor. I am so proud of him. But yeah some cuddling to a movie or just some talk would be nice tonight like I use to do with him but I will have to settle for my own company. Tomorrow my students have an art exhibit so have to go to prepare for that at 2:30. What a crap weekend so far I hope next weekend is better. In any event hope your night is more eventful than mine as the sun sets on Saba.

The Day After

So it's about 5am and well I hardly slept. Kind of difficult when you have blood in your mouth all night long and your spitting it out like Kate Winslet in Titanic. So I have decided to start cleaning and skip the gym today which sucks because now I am behind in my workout routine. Oh wait backstory...yesterday I went to the dentist for what I thought would be an easy time...I had two wisdom teeth pulled before from the left side of my mouth and apparently one grew back so the doctor felt it was best to take it out. Welll...when he was extracting yesterday he found two not one so it was quite an ordeal. When I got home I started some pain killers right away because I knew it was gonna be a long night and it was...5 am on with the cleaning and well the blood hasn't stop pouring forth so I think its gonan be another long day plus its raining outside so you can tell where my mood lays. Only thing I can look forward too is a Bingo later on and with me not being able to eat proper food it's gonna be another day! Happy Sat from Saba